Sitting in this box where no light comes in, I try to remember what the stars look like. This feeling is no stranger to me as the darkness surrounds me, consuming my soul. Wondering why my life is this way I look up to imagine what the stars look like. Not having seen them for what seems like ages, I cannot help but to question the reasoning why this monster inside will not let my wounded ego and pride fall away to nothing. Yet, here I sit in a prison of my own creation, adrenaline coursing through my veins from the latest encounter with this monstrosity living inside.
Seeking solace in the light of the nighttime sky, I close my eyes and fall into myself. Searching for the meaning of why I feel the need to express myself with force, I grow cold. Deep within me there is a coldness in my bones, traveling deeper into my soul. It surrounds my heart and I cannot stop it from slowly turning me away from the image of the stars lighting the way out of the darkness in my mind. No longer am I alone in this box. Creeping towards me with a slow grace only a predator can have, my mind races for an answer to save myself from this thing I have created. Knowing what to expect from past experiences with this cold, numb feeling in my body I focus on the stars.
As if sensing my desperate attempt to resist its powerful influence, it envelopes me in the shadow it casts. Not knowing what to do or where to turn, I hurl my mind out from this physical body. I run towards the stars that I have felt pulling me every time I see this shadow come for me. No longer will I stay there in this hollow suit of flesh for it to consume my thoughts, and tear at my soul.
Reaching forth for the stars I call out for reason to help me in this combat I have been locked in for what seems like a lifetime. Running out of time and energy I know it is just a matter of time before I have to face this cold, dark dread pulling me further down into its web.
I know what happens next, though. It has happened countless times before whenever I try to stand and face this other-worldly being. I fight with everything I have but fall into the darkness. I fall into the numb feeling and force it away with all the anger and malice I have inside of me. I succeed in pushing it away only to find it sitting beside me driving me towards this feeling ever more.
Turning to the shadow, I step towards it and know it will be my final time I fight against it. Tired and weary from feeding my soul with anger and despair, I seek to give in to this creature. I fall into the darkness within my soul and see myself for the first time. I finally understand what this shadow is and why I cannot defeat it. It's a part of me, it is me. Yet, it has a different feeling about it. As if it is taking a part of myself and twisting it into what it desires most, my soul.
Understanding that the only way I can combat this entity is by finding a purpose for my anger, for my fear. Finding meaning in fear is difficult to say the least. Doing it while going to war for your soul is unfathomable if you haven't done it before. Whatever the outcome will be, I seek out this thing to once again do battle with it. This time it feels different. This time I no longer feel alone.
I slowly come to realize that fighting is what it wants me to do. Every time I have raised my hands towards it I come away from it weaker. I might succeed in shaking it off only to have it seep its way back into my mind. The difference this time is that it is hesitant. It doesn't come charging at me like the other times.
It reaches out to grab my heart and pull me close; I strive to understand why it is scared. It isn't of me, otherwise it wouldn't have flinched like it did when I felt a sense of purpose to find meaning in my suffering. Doing the only thing I can, I step towards it and embrace the feelings that brought me to this place to begin with. I feel the suffering my soul has been put through. All the torment and pain comes flowing to me and I feel the stars once again.
The shadow cringes away from me as if burned by the concept of my epiphany. I feel a searing hot glow from my back and all I see is a pulsing white light coming around me. No longer is this monster stalking me. No longer do I feel dread every time I try to think of my pain and anger. It is as if I was given the gift of feeling something I never have felt before in my life, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Awakening from the dream I was in that turned into a living nightmare, there is something here with me. I can no longer see what is around me for my imagination has no concept to pull from. No reference to gauge my thoughts and feelings. It is as if I do not feel my anger or pain. All I feel is hope. The hope that once I find my purpose for being and settle into this feeling everything will be made clear to me.
Searching for meaning to this glimpse of a power beyond anything I have felt before, I am given a glimpse into what is waiting for me once I seek to join this feeling with my soul. All I feel is myself, yet I feel everything that has come before and after me. It is as if I can be within myself and within someone else as well, speaking but never saying a word. Where mere thoughts are turned into actions. All the things within this feeling are there as well. All interconnected as one, yet different. All wanting the same for me and my purpose in this life.
I ask for the reason for my being shown this and all that comes is an outpouring of what I now know to be love. No judgement. No preassigned task to accomplish before it is given. Only the unconditional love that comes from something knowing what is, and what will be. I know that this is what God must feel like and what a glimpse of Heaven is to be. Everything and every soul connected as one, feeling the love of God. All seeking to bring the souls of the wicked like me to the realization that we are monsters of our own creation. Feeding the demons with our fear, and becoming numb to the despair in our hearts.
As if awaking from a dream I am pulled away from this small glimpse given to me through confronting my fear with a purpose driven by resolve, not anger or pride. To awaken in a box of my own consequences is hard knowing what I was just shown is the way for redemption from my pain. From my fear. The hard part that didn't sink in was thinking I could do it once and be done with it. That I could face my demon and conquer it.
Deep down I knew this wasn't true. That it wasn't gone for good. It was waiting in the shadows for me to step into the darkness without any sense of where the stars were. All I came to know after this experience in this brief moment with love is whenever I fell from grace and gave into this monster growing inside of me, the Light was there to drive it back if I chose to go to it. If I chose to embrace It and let It guide me home. It never failed me if I called on It. It didn't judge me and make me less than what I was. It always sought to comfort me in my most trying times of pain, fear, and despair.

I have written this because someone asked me what Heaven was like for me. I have been blessed with a small glimpse into what is waiting for us on the other side. I wrote it this way because I was literally in a box or cell from which I was forced to confront my violent nature. I was sitting in this punishment not knowing my fate when I felt moved towards the light that God can only bring. I thought of stars because at this time I still hadn't seen stars for almost three years due to being locked down in a maximum security prison where next to no hope existed.
Demons have followed me around most of my life and it has always been a constant struggle for me to fight against the very thing that gives them meaning in our lives. The fear we feel feeds these entities to the point where we give up parts of our soul to these creatures through sitting with them as I once did. Using the same tactics to fight it as it is using to take parts of me, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We have two companions who walk with us always in life. Jesus holds my right hand and Lucifer my left. God watches as we listen to both and giving in to One has brought me to my purpose in life today.
Once I gave into the Light there was a change in me. There was a change in the way I fought against the evil around me and in my heart, and in my soul. Evil is a choice, and to those who seek to control it or think to avoid it will solve their problems, I'm living proof that it doesn't work out this way. This experience I had with God giving me a glimpse of Heaven didn't curb my sinful nature. Nor did it stop me from trying to control the darkness around me. It took me five more hard fought years to understand that emotions we are taught aren't the feeling God gives you. The feeling I speak of is a driving force for us all to strive to complete our purpose already defined by God. It just takes a tremendous amount of failing forward to the Unconditional Love awaiting us when we are sent to be judged by HIM.
For me, this glimpse given to me defined my failures. It put me on a painful purpose-driven course for my life to understand why I fear myself. My glimpse of what Heaven was like gave me the ability to combat my demons through finding God's saving grace. I didn't know at the time about Catholicism or what it meant to be holy. All I knew is that once this monster came for me, I chose to run towards the Light and that feeling of being connected with those who loved me for all that I was. That love inspires me today to be all that I can be. It has made all the difference in the world to me to be blessed with God's glimpse of what Heaven is to be.